So I’m not sure how much to actually share with this post, but in my eyes this may make a fairly interesting story (thought article). Details will be left vague, but the general message should suffice.
In my transition to the days of college from the years of high school. I had lost a friend to a tragic car accident. This in itself isn’t entirely abnormal, but the circumstances and other loses prior is what makes this interesting. As a fairly stoic person, and extremely quiet in the time frame of k-12 (due to varying stances of bullying/being a bully in some school years). I had sequestered the emotions of years of judgement, and loss (or so it felt). The traumas I’ve experienced may be worse than some, but not the pinnacle of struggle.
To abbreviate this a little more, a bullet list;
- Deaths; An Aunt 2006, a Grandfather 2007, a Friend 2008, a Grandma 2011(2012?), a Great Aunt 2014.
- Illness; Depression 2007(?) – 2016(?), Scare of Hodgkin’s Lymphoma 2010, Mental Breakdown 2010, Schizophrenia Diagnosis 2010+, Insomnia 2009-2016.
- Accidents; Personal Car Accident x3 2010, 1 hr avoidance of College Shooting 2010
- Life “Status”; Social Isolation 2008-2010, Moved Between States 2009-2011 (moving for college, and return home), Perceived Ethical/Moral Failure 2009-2010, Relationship Obsession 2009-2010 (due to social isolation, and cause of perceived Ethical Failure), Unintentional brush with “poverty” (I still had a roof & food, but nothing else really due to moving/buying car) 2009-2010, Survivor’s Guilt & feeling like a False Friend 2008-2010, Suicide Idealization 2008-2012 (actually came pretty close to doing it, had a loaded shotgun cause I was deer hunting 2011…, but a song “saved” me….this one https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1RW3nDRmu6k ), and general abandonment/betrayal of social support 2009-2010.
- Stress; Being in College for “Science” (Engineering/Chemistry).
Overall, that seems like a lot, but it was my life. I didn’t have time to sit and dwell upon “how to act” (I actually did, but I was too depressed to think straight). Now that I do, I feel that it was one of the most significant periods of my life, for it caused massive maturity development.
This is a point I’d like to make with this post, that trauma when taken in to a person’s psyche, has a trans-formative effect. A person can either integrate the problems, and cope with it somehow (sublimation of the “energies” ideally). Or act out, and play/be the “victim”. For a while I was fluttering between the two stages, but I think sublimation has won out. Just like sublimation of “Hatred/Rage” happened throughout k-12. Although I think that is already “published” information, that one has to find a way to positively deal/handle with emotions instead of being lost to the “feelings”.
In the end, I suppose I should say that all of this has made me who I am, and has shaped my worldview dramatically. I realized that I was “alone”, or at least was for a bit. And yet, I found my saving grace by reading historical treatises (philosophical works of Plato, Aristotle, Kierkegaard, Nietzsche, Kant….etc). And having to argue, and defend my worldview from incrimination (the Schizophrenia diagnosis). I’ve realized that No One knows what Reality actually is, but we’d like to think so. The main message I’m keen on sharing is that one can either make a heaven, or a hell of their reality. In order to do so they first have to go through some sort of hell though. Much like Dante in the Divine Comedy, but to come out of said Hell, and not be lost is the saving grace. Mine was the culture I had immersed myself in, and the meanings that others had bestowed upon their own lives. The meanings they had created to give themselves meaning.
Decayed Laurels, is my method of meaning making. I intend to finish it (when it’s done), but I will say that I probably won’t be making these weekly updates (or bi-weekly updates). That they will probably become more infrequent because I’m trying to consolidate energy/focus to finish, and work upon my projects. Thanks to those who read, and follow.
…And always remember, “There’s only Survivors in Life”.