Who Wants To Start a Cult?! (A Cultist’s Primer to Cult Formation) (Satire).

So you’ve gotten tired of the mainstream deities, and social formations to be found within society.  You’ve realized that the tenets of their doctrines isn’t benefiting you anymore.  That all the power tends to accumulate to a select few, or those who’ve played the game the longest.  What are you going to do about it?

You could continue to abide by the system, and abidingly wait your turn for the dictatorial rights of position, or you could opt out and ply your own doctrine.  You know, God rewards the faithful, and the adherents of whatever dogma.  It’s just that your conceptions are more “Right”.  At least for yourself.  There’s always the expression that it’s better to be a prince in hell, over a slave in heaven.  You’ve just decided to take the next step, and say we’re all in Hell.  Otherwise this shit wouldn’t suck…  I mean miracles?  Faith Healing?  New Age Rocks?  That’s like saying that bark from certain trees cause pain relief…..sheesh who’d believe that?!

I’ll tell ya who!  You, and Me!  Religion is a Cult, Science is a Cult, Politics is a Cult, Everything’s a Cult-Cult….It’s quite like playing duck, duck, goose (grey duck…cause I’m Minnesotan).  You’re a Cult, and You’re a Cult, and what do you know!  YOU’RE a Cult! (The Minnesotan version describes aspects of the cult…Blood Cult, Green Cult, Death Cult, Sun Cult….because you know what….we’ve already established the majority of us are Cults….we’d have to be to live in a place where Hell Freezes over Regularly).

Thus the first steps towards authenticating your Cult is to seek out a national registry of Cult Surveillance, and Monitoring (In itself another Cult), and ask to be put upon the List.  Surely your choice of List, but that depends upon how Minnesotan you get in the description of your Cult.

Depending upon the agendas of your Cult, you may be authenticated that way, whereas another way is simply amass followers (GOOD LUCK…, because everyone is their own personal brand of Cultist/Cult).

Upon establishing a Following, develop a personal/Secret Tongue to describe the inner workings, and belief systems of the Cult.  Use as many obtuse, and obscure ciphers/references as you can (bonus points if you can convincingly make a Klingon Cult appear Romulan when it is actually a Vulcan Cult masquerading as a Federation Civic Practice).  Get the web of intrigue so built up, and convoluted where no one can follow the methods you’re practicing, and call it Good.  It’d be like a Game of Thrones novel.

Develop legitimacy in the eyes of your followers.  Do so by presenting ideas that you’ve picked up from your other cult memberships, and rewording them in your Personal Cult’s Parlance.  Devise either a Real, or a Pseudo Enemy to Hate (Bonus Points if it’s just another branch of your very own Organization…er Cult….nothing breeds hate like the Schism Hate).

This is done to unify your adherents to one banner, namely your banner.  In the end the goal is to evade Cult Extinction. And if the Cult keeps a Schisming….that’s a good Cult, right?  It’d be like a Hydra.

 

….Happy Formations, You Cults!