This is going to be a hard one to write. During a point in my life when I had transitioned to college, I had chanced upon a feeling. What this feeling was, I can’t pinpoint down. I’d like to call it “Love”, or something along those veins. “Warmth”, perhaps, for that’s all it felt like. It was, and still is a foreign concept to me. All I know is that I felt safe around a certain person. I wanted to continue to see said person, for she had invoked such a feeling. I wanted to explore it, but it terrified me. What is this burning sensation I felt in my chest? Am I sick? I never felt such internal sensation of the life before….
Growing up, I never received much praise, or acknowledgment for positive efforts. If anything the metaphorical rod was the standard practice of the environment. Cry, get yelled at, raise one’s voice, get yelled at, “incompetent” get yelled at, question anything, get yelled at, complain, get yelled at, spoke out, get yelled at….when I was 18-19, when I was in Huntsville, AL. After entertaining above feeling that was instilled by said certain person, for about a month before destroying the connection in a panic induced haze.
I realized emotions are “unnatural” for me. I had spent the subsequent year crying myself to sleep because I just didn’t understand, and I still don’t. I honestly know I probably could take a person’s life with no remorse, or feeling about it. I probably could plan it out, and enact it quite effectively too. I know how to make some explosives (from my years in chemistry), I know how to shoot, and have handled firearms before. I have practiced some martial arts, so I am slightly familiar with close quarters combat too.
Overall, these realizations sort of “scare” me on an intellectual level (not emotional cause well, they’re shunted). I’m scared of myself, and that understanding has haunted me since Huntsville. I’ve spent years gutting the world around me intellectually as a virtual construct with constructed meanings. I’ve nearly seen a Harvard Educated Professor shoot up colleagues over something as slight as a “insult/fear of patent loss” (Huntsville campus shooting circa 2010), so I’ve witnessed human failing of that extent nearly firsthand.
What prevents one from becoming a “Lone Wolf Actor”? I don’t know, I’ve been yelled at for possibly becoming one, so I don’t know. I never want to be, or become an ineffective martyr that takes other’s lives for a suicidal belief. I just don’t know what sets one off other than maybe being pushed too far.
God knows I’ve been pushed, but I already realize that my being pushed is nothing compared to the suffering of Others. I just don’t understand why we push each other so hard. Women can’t find common decency, men can’t express themselves without fear of “vulnerable repercussions”. We’re all playing masquerade with ourselves, and each other. Truth is an illusion in some arguments, and God is Dead. There have been those who’ve argued for a “Last Messiah” of let Humanity as an aberration of thought die off. Don’t reproduce. Don’t do anything to survive, just go quietly into that Eternal Night….
I so desperately want to Live Life, but I’m scared to do so. I feel like I’ve been barred into a certain direction. That I have no choice (according to science free will is an illusion). Life just doesn’t seem like Life. Find some sort of enjoyment, and you’re scared to enjoy it. Simply because you don’t want to “lose it”, but the very effect of that thought causes it’s loss.
Scared to actually be vulnerable because you may “lose it” too. That you won’t have the “structure of the Ego created Mask” to hold your identity together. That everything you do to cling to shards of sanity actually drive yourself further to the depths of madness.
This all I’ve realized, and I want more of it. My taste for Life simply can’t be sated, and I feel the only choice is Existence, Yes/No? Do you commit suicide? If yes, you’ll never know success/failure, or anything. You may simply restart, and go through the recurring mess that caused one to crave suicide in the first place. Life.
And with Life, a realization that you’ll either have to predate, or parasite off another. If you simply do not what to be a “herd” animal. Simply due to energy dynamics.
Thus one begins to realize that Everyone is a Liar, that Everyone is Un-whole, and a Sinner that doesn’t care, for salvation. Simply because Life entails it so. Religion is a farce, philosophy is a farce, everything is a farce of the sickest sort.
So can a person ever win in a “no-win” situation? Kirk did so, The Kobayashi Maru (https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Kobayashi_Maru )…according to his standards. And that is the only way to win, according to one’s own standards.
My response to a friend about the Kobayashi Maru scenario as to what I would do in said situation. Was to challenge the most honorable Klingon crew to a trial by ordeal. How it would play out, I don’t know. Some personal thought scenarios has it playing out by the Klingon’s fighting amongst themselves for the “honor” of starting the war with the Federation. Others’ with a feeling of, “Our Finest Hour!” Overall, my personal taste is of a, “Our Finest Hour” mixed in with heroic displays of valor. Simply because I think the Kobayashi Maru scenario is one that is meant to challenge oneself on that level. Do you aspire to be a hero, even if reluctant, or are you willing to go into that cold eternal night without a fight?
Thus I’m no longer scared of myself, I’ve realized my potential, and I have come to know myself. I have been tested, I have not broken, nor have I failed. My standards are resolute, and I’ve been redeemed if solely in my own eyes. This is the way of us all. My Father, and my Mother did not hesitate to punish or spoil. It was all in the application. I may have forgot some of the positives of my childhood, just as I’ve exaggerated the negatives. There was both, and there always are both. I just hope at some point, the positives outweigh the negatives by a significant margin, and that I’m able to accept such imbalance gracefully.
Such is Life.