…The Dying of the Light is how the poem goes. This is not about the poem, this is about how every time I think about my life situation, and the “health” of my state of mind. I am hit with the feelings of a deep injustice.
For the past 8 years, I’ve been getting “treated” for “Schizophrenia” and have been on a regular regime of medical drugs. Abilify. For the last 6 months I’ve been court ordered to take these “meds” for my “own benefit” because I am “sick”.
I don’t see how they can justify my treatment on any sort of grounds. There is no evidence, none whatsoever of an ailment. It is just the diagnosing doctors word. And his assessment that I spend too much “time on internal stimuli”!
I simply don’t understand, why can this shit happen? Is it because once the Dr. makes an assessment, they can’t recant for fear of being accused of “Malpractice” which is entirely what I feel is going on here. It is his “reputation”, and his “word” against my entire life.
My LIFE, which is being destroyed, and has been effectively destroyed over the past 8 years.
In those past 8 years, I have essentially lost the prime years of my life to this “diagnosis”.
I have not dated anyone yet, for fear, and easy rejection of “you’re crazy…because you’re schizo….”.
I have no job because the “court order” states that I should be taking “life easy”, and that I’m not really allowed/capable of holding down a job.
My college degree is pretty much worthless because it is of such a low GPA, and of a branch that isn’t really recognized.
In an area where scientific jobs are scarcer than a snowflake in hell.
Prime years of my life are being wasted, and destroyed. And yet, I’m not allowed to express discontent, or injustice for the treatment I’ve been receiving.
Is it all because I “stepped out of line” one too many times? That I didn’t want to waste my life grinding through a 9-5 hr (40 hrs a week) (in reality 60+ hrs a week) job to make “ends meet” that are completely and arbitrarily imposed upon us.
That I asked too many questions about why the “System” is the way that it is? That I am discontent with the way that people have been treated, other than myself? That I don’t think Race, Creed, or Gender should really matter? That I just want to be able to live my life without having to answer to another “man” in the aspect of what I have done, or am going to do with my time? Nonetheless where I want to direct my efforts?
To me it seems that Everything is Criminalized, and this includes the right to be an Individual. Heaven forbid you step out of the systematic line just once. We are afraid of the unknown, fine, don’t condemn something that you don’t understand. Or fail to make efforts to understand. Simply because you don’t wish to do so.
This is nothing more than the tyranny of the majority, and the suppression of minorities. Even if they aren’t based upon color, gender, or creed. This is NOT what AMERICA is about!
I don’t know where this licentious, and moral decay started to take root in our culture. This corruption of American Identity. Some may say FDR was the start. Other say whatever President in whatever era. Bullshit. This is entirely about the failings of Human Nature. And the easy route of Ignorance.
The Ring of Gyges https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Ring_of_Gyges . We have failed. We as a society have failed. There are likely a few individuals who realize this and are fighting a fallback action against the encroaching wave of dissolution, but this experiment has failed from my point of view.
Simply because the Founding Virtues are no longer present within the Cultural Zeitgeist. We have grown detached from what it means to be virtuous, and responsible to our fellow man. It is so easy to imposition our beliefs and justifications in this environment. Post-Modernism. The Cultural Relativism of “You can’t Judge Us, Me, or another….because….” who’s to say you’re right.
History. That’s who says who’s right. The reason why Christianity, and other Religions are so conservative is because of this innate human disposition to seek the easy route. To nullify our own virtues, to take the ring and pursue injustices for our own amusement.
To myself, I have seemingly faced up to, and have owned “who I am in the Dark”. I have, to my own understanding, seen my evil nature. It scared me, and even then it is still a part of who I am. I can’t deny it. I can only contain it.
I have fantasized about acts of wrath of against these “medical practitioners” for the pain, and anguish they have seemingly inflicted upon my life. I have had thoughts of violence, and I know within that if I really cared to flip the “Switch” I would be no different than a psychopath, or mass murderer.
I have suffered the slings and arrows of being implied of having the disposition of a “Lone Wolf Terrorist” by my own family nonetheless. I have been “vocally disowned” at least four times.
And this is because I asked questions.
Questions, the apparent Authorities can’t answer for themselves.
Questions, the Powers that be don’t know how to answer to another.
Questions, that are meant to keep a tyrant at bay.
Like it or not, I am starting to welcome the notion of decay. The impending collapse of what seems to be a once mutual society. A slow regress into barbarism. This is nothing new. Plato makes mention of how Republics/Democracies fail. Same with Niccolo Machiavelli. The populace loses touch with their moral virtues, and licentious settles in.
History, has started to reap it’s dues. Sadly, it can’t really be stopped. Only delayed.